There’s a trope in parenting: anxious mom of few, relaxed mom of many.
This has not been my experience. Each of my children has knocked me a little further off my pedestal, made me a little less sure of what I thought I knew, physically and mentally broken me just a bit more. I like to think that what I have lost in confidence I have gained in humility; I know I have grown in love.
So what’s left, after what worked the first time fails spectacularly the second time, after through the exhaustion and depletion you forget the third time to even try those things you did before? I often think of a song I learned while working at a camp upstate:1
When I first came to this land
I was not a wealthy man
So I got myself a cow (each verse introduces a new addition to the farm)
And I called that cow, no milk now (none of the farm additions work very well)!
But the land was sweet and good
and I did what I could.2
When I first came to this land: We are all newcomers to parenting. When I gave birth to my third six months ago, I had experience with newborns, sure, but it was my first time parenting her. My first time parenting three kids at once. My first time recovering from the particularities of her birth and first days. My oldest started pre-school, and now I am a newcomer to being an elementary-school parent. We come as strangers and with each new phase, we return to that place of newness.
I was not a wealthy man: In my case this is literally true, but I think all of us recognize the gap between the sun and the moon we would like to give our children and our relative lack of power. I wish I could stop the cars speeding on my kids’ streets and the smokers on their playground benches, but parenting forces me to recognize the limitations of my power and means.
So I got myself a (cow), and I called that cow (no milk now): You try a bunch of different things and most of them don’t work. Parenting advice that looked promising the first time is mildly hilarious the third time around. It’s all pretty messy.
But the land was sweet and good, and I did what I could: This line says it all. My children are so sweet and good. I could look at them forever. I tell my daughter that my heart fills with happiness when I see her (a line from the book My Heart Fills with Happiness by Monique Gray Smith) and my son that the best part of my day is spending time with him (a line from the book Little Elliot by Mike Curato). Their smiles are pure sunshine and holding their little bodies is beyond my wildest dreams.
After three kids, I have not become more relaxed, but with kids like this, who cares. They are sweet and good, and I do what I can.
Other News…
I am now booking virtual and in-person author visits. Check out my booking page at Lonni Lane Marketing or email Lisa Nadel directly at lonnilanemarketing@gmail.com.
Save the date for an in-person book party on Tuesday, February 25th at The Corner Bookstore in New York City. All are welcome—I would love to see or meet you in person!
You can now earn prizes for sharing my newsletter using the “Refer a friend” button below. For more information on how this program works, visit this post.
My upcoming book Cousins in the Time of Magic will be out in just a few short months. Would you consider ordering your copy now? Your early purchase sends a message to booksellers and my publisher that readers are enthusiastic, which will hopefully lead to more books in this series.
This camp was in part the inspiration for my book SILVER MEADOWS SUMMER (Knopf, 2019)
A quick search tells me that this is a Pennsylvania Dutch song first translated into English by Oscar Brand in the 1950s. If you know more about the song’s origins I would love to hear.
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